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To think of my task is chilling. To know I was carefully building the

mask I was wearing for two years, swearing I'd tear it off. I've sat

in

the dark explaining to myself that I'm straining too hard for feelings

I

ought to find easily. Called myself Jezebel. I don't believe.

Before I say that the vows we made weigh like a stone in my heart.

Family is family, don't let this tear us apart.

You lie there, an innocent baby. I feel like the thief who is raiding

your home, entering and breaking and taking in every room. I know your

feelings are tender and that inside you the embers still glow. But I'm

a

shadow, I'm only a bed of blackened coal. Call myself Jezebel for

wanting

to leave.

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other word to describe the

sacred tie that bound me to you. I'm just saying we've mistaken one

for

thousands of words. And for that mistake, I've caused you such pain

that I

damn that word. I've no more ways to hide that I'm a desolate and

empty,

hollow place inside.

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other word to describe the

sacred tie that bound me to you. I'm not saying love's a plaything.

No,

it's a powerful word, inspired by strong desire to bind myself to you.

How

I wish that we never had tried to be man and his wife, to weave our

lives

into a blindfold over both our eyes.
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